I am sitting here in tears over a man that I love. The hardest part is the "love part". I wish I could turn it off. I wish I could flip a switch and just magically be ok with the fact that he has hurt me, and is still hurting me as I type this. I wish that I could get over him somehow if he plans on making this "done thing" stick.
A couple of weeks ago we were out at happy hour with some friends, and who should walk in and sit behind us? The guy that fired me. He sat with a group of his friends and I didn't really notice him until I turned around. At that point he must have seen me, because the next part of the story would shatter my world. Ex-Boss sent over a round of shots to our table. CS told the waiter that if they were from Ex-Bosses table he could take them back and fuck off. I will spare the details, but there were words exchanged, and it got to the point where ex boss' stupid friends got involved and there were more words exchanged. Luckily there was no actual violence, but I almost wish there was to make it all worth it. At the end of all of it I went to ex boss and told him we were cool. We aren't. I hate him. He has ruined my life. He fired me for no reason. I suffered humiliation, my credit was ruined when I had to default on my credit cards, and he sabotaged me getting a lot of jobs that I applied for by telling people not to hire me.... and now this. However, my son still works there, and frankly I didn't want any more drama for him. I thought I was doing the right thing. I guess at the end of the day, I wasn't. Not only does my son still have drama, but now I have lost something I don't feel like I can live without. I feel like I will never be the same.
I came back to our table and CS looked at me and said,
"We are done. Don't call me, don't text me, don't email me for the rest of your life"
He got a ride home with someone else, and I stood there looking around the room. Everyone in the place was staring at me, and looking at me with pity. I was humiliated. I was scared that he was serious, and I was in shock. I grabbed my purse and my keys and I walked out the door and completely lost it outside next to my car. I sobbed for the humiliation that I felt, but also for the fact that I felt like I had just lost my whole world. I was right...
My world has changed. It has been almost two weeks. I watched my son graduated without the one person I wanted to be there the most. He said he had a meeting that day, but I wonder if he just chose not to come because of me. My son was sad because he didn't come. I was devastated that he couldn't be here. Humiliated in front of my friends and family yet again. I couldn't even enjoy my son's party because all I could think about is how sad I was that he wasn't there. When everyone left that day I sobbed on the couch. Partially because my baby was all grown up and would someday be off on his own, and because I had a hole the size of kansas in my heart. I couldn't hold it back anymore. I just let it all go. JB sat with me and we talked, and I told her just how much this is bothering me. I told her that I wasn't willing to give up on CS. She just looked at me with pity too.
I can't eat very much, I can't sleep, and my body is revolting against me. Today I woke up dizzy, and sick to my stomach. It stayed with me all day, and it really hasn't gotten much better. I am hoping that it's just stress, but I don't know. What if it is something worse? I am just going through the motions of life. I am not going out and doing anything, I am not having fun... I am just existing. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I can't. I feel like if he doesn't talk to me soon I will just die of a broken heart.
