Once Again...

I am sitting here in tears over a man that I love. The hardest part is the "love part". I wish I could turn it off. I wish I could flip a switch and just magically be ok with the fact that he has hurt me, and is still hurting me as I type this. I wish that I could get over him somehow if he plans on making this "done thing" stick.

A couple of weeks ago we were out at happy hour with some friends, and who should walk in and sit behind us? The guy that fired me. He sat with a group of his friends and I didn't really notice him until I turned around. At that point he must have seen me, because the next part of the story would shatter my world. Ex-Boss sent over a round of shots to our table. CS told the waiter that if they were from Ex-Bosses table he could take them back and fuck off. I will spare the details, but there were words exchanged, and it got to the point where ex boss' stupid friends got involved and there were more words exchanged. Luckily there was no actual violence, but I almost wish there was to make it all worth it. At the end of all of it I went to ex boss and told him we were cool. We aren't. I hate him. He has ruined my life. He fired me for no reason. I suffered humiliation, my credit was ruined when I had to default on my credit cards, and he sabotaged me getting a lot of jobs that I applied for by telling people not to hire me.... and now this. However, my son still works there, and frankly I didn't want any more drama for him. I thought I was doing the right thing. I guess at the end of the day, I wasn't. Not only does my son still have drama, but now I have lost something I don't feel like I can live without. I feel like I will never be the same.

I came back to our table and CS looked at me and said,

"We are done. Don't call me, don't text me, don't email me for the rest of your life"

He got a ride home with someone else, and I stood there looking around the room. Everyone in the place was staring at me, and looking at me with pity. I was humiliated. I was scared that he was serious, and I was in shock. I grabbed my purse and my keys and I walked out the door and completely lost it outside next to my car. I sobbed for the humiliation that I felt, but also for the fact that I felt like I had just lost my whole world. I was right...

My world has changed. It has been almost two weeks. I watched my son graduated without the one person I wanted to be there the most. He said he had a meeting that day, but I wonder if he just chose not to come because of me. My son was sad because he didn't come. I was devastated that he couldn't be here. Humiliated in front of my friends and family yet again. I couldn't even enjoy my son's party because all I could think about is how sad I was that he wasn't there. When everyone left that day I sobbed on the couch. Partially because my baby was all grown up and would someday be off on his own, and because I had a hole the size of kansas in my heart. I couldn't hold it back anymore. I just let it all go. JB sat with me and we talked, and I told her just how much this is bothering me. I told her that I wasn't willing to give up on CS. She just looked at me with pity too.

I can't eat very much, I can't sleep, and my body is revolting against me. Today I woke up dizzy, and sick to my stomach. It stayed with me all day, and it really hasn't gotten much better. I am hoping that it's just stress, but I don't know. What if it is something worse? I am just going through the motions of life. I am not going out and doing anything, I am not having fun... I am just existing. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I can't. I feel like if he doesn't talk to me soon I will just die of a broken heart.

It's Been A While...

It's been a few days since I wrote. Things just kind of got away from me and I didn't feel like I needed to write. I guess that's good, since I mostly write when I am upset.

I did end up getting fired, even though my boss had no proof that I did anything. He felt like he couldn't trust me. It's hard feeling like this. It's had KNOWING you didn't do anything wrong, and losing a job over it. I guess I feel sort of defeated after this last week. I feel like God is closing this door for a reason, and now I just have to hope I figure out what it is sooner rather than later. I'll get through it. I have amazing people in my life who will help me.

I have done a lot of organizing and cleaning since this all happened. I am having an "out with the old in with the new" kind of season in my life. I cleaned out clothes that I don't wear and I am going to donate them. I cleaned out most of the crap in my pantry so I am not tempted to sit around crying while gobbling peanut butter cups. I cleaned out all of the frozen plants in my back yard so when it warms up again I can plant some new ones. I even cleaned a few people off my Facebook that I don't need in my life. Tomorrow I am going to start on the upstairs. My bedroom, and bathroom, and linen closet need some help. I look forward to getting up and being able to do what ever I want during the day, for now. It's my mini vacation and I am going to make the most of it.

Things Happen For A Reason...

Do They? Do they really happen for a reason or is that just something we all say to make ourselves feel better about the crappy stuff that happen to us in life?

Yesterday and today were so bad, and yet I was able to find some good in it. Actually I was able to find some great. I guess you really find out who your friends are when things go south in your life. I mean I found out pretty quick who was going to be there for me when it all went to pooh after new years eve, but this is different.

Yesterday my boss accused me of stealing from work. I would to say I was more shocked and hurt than pissed off, but I was all of the above. I didn't do this. I am guilty of not catching mistakes, and making mistakes, but I didn't steal from that company. I loved working there, and I had a great job, I wouldn't risk that for a few extra bucks. He suspended me today, and I haven't heard from him, so I figure that he will fire me tomorrow. I could see it in his eyes that he didn't believe me, and I think that hurt worse than losing my job, because I thought of him as a friend as well.

When all of this happened, I text CS. I told him what was going on and he called me. He hates talking on the phone, so this did mean a lot to me. I explained to him what had happened, and he told me not to worry because everything would be alright. He called back a few minutes and asked me if I needed him to come over. I agreed and we had some wine and talked and watched TV till midnight. He truly made me feel better about everything and I was able to get some sleep.This morning he text me that he was thinking good thoughts for me today. I guess maybe I was right about him? I guess maybe he is a good guy after all? He showed me a really supporting caring side that I have yet to see from him. It was nice. After I got suspended I called him, and he stayed on the phone with me as long as I needed it. This afternoon he checked on me on his way to and from a rehearsal, and tonight he brought a movie over to watch. When he left he told me no matter what happens, don't let anyone fuck with you, because you are better than that. He kissed me and then told me goodnight.

When I closed the door I started to cry. I'm crying now. I don't know if I am crying because of what CS said or the situation at work. Maybe a combination of both. I want to be able to be joyful about the way things are going with CS, but I know with this cloud over me I can't really be. I understand what he was feeling a few months ago, and it makes me sad. I want us both to have the things in life we need in order to be able to enjoy the things we have.

My son told me today that God had brought CS into my life, and I was blessed for having him... A wise son indeed.

You Just Never Know...

You just never know who is going to be on the other end of the phone when you answer it sometimes.

I answered the phone at work today to find my ex boyfriend Max on the other end of the line. My first thought was, what the hell? My next thought was... so you deleted my number and this is how you track me down stalker?

He called me back on my cell phone when I got home from work. It was weird. He asked me all about how I had been and then told me I broke his heart and he missed me. I reminded him, that after we started seeing either other, and got close, he moved away. He stopped talking to me shortly after that because he got mad at me for not being able to come see him all the time. Hello? You live 6 hours from me!?

He said he was in going to be in town and want to see me. I told him about CS. I wanted him to know I was happy. I wanted him to know that my heart belonged to CS. I wanted to call CS and tell him what had happened. I wanted him to know that I couldn't even think about seeing anyone but him. I wanted to tell him he was the only one for me. However I knew that not only would he not really care if I was talking to Max, he probably would be freaked out by my declaration of emotions. So instead I just come here and blog them onto this digital diary. I will lock them up and carry them with me until CS is ready for them. I really wanted to see CS tonight. I sure could have used a hug.

And Then...

It's Magically OK. Or so it seems.

Friday night I went to see CS play at Sinatras. I was not sure how things would be, but when I got there he smiled and seemed glad to see me. I was there by myself, as the usual posse of folks that came to see him were not there. That's ok I didn't need the competition for his attention. It was a great night, and everything seemed to be magically all better.

The end of the night CS came over to my house, and we had champagne and talked until 5am. We talked about his music, his future at the radio station, and even a bit about new years eve. Things seemed to flow, and I was able to just be myself and super honest with him. I was able to say things I was never able to say, and something seemed to click that maybe we were not such a bad idea together after all. Before he left he kissed me, and I thought my heart would just burst right out of my chest.

Saturday night was just as good. Fun, light, and magic, just like it had been before all the new years eve drama. Sunday he asked me if I wanted to do brunch and we enjoyed a warm Sunday afternoon together, eating and shopping.

I was back. I was in. I was going to be ok. Life is good!

What A Difference A Day Makes...

Tonight night I got dressed up and  out with JB for a night of karaoke. I thought it might do my heart good to sing. I knew that I could let all my emotions just pour out of me through song and I would feel better.That's what music is to me. It can take you up or down. It can make you laugh and cry and rage like an animal. It's passion. I needed that.


I text CS and let him know we would be there if he wanted to come down. I didn't really think he would but I was sure hoping. About an hour later he showed up, and he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. I was so shocked, and happy I almost cried. I kept looking at JB with a look of OH MY GOSH! She just smiled at me and laughed.The night went very well. It was almost normal. At the end of the night he told me he would be playing at a gig I had been to before if I wanted to come out. I was so elated. He kissed me on the cheek, gave me a big hug and was gone. I couldn't believe it. How did this happen? I didn't care. I was glad. I slept like a baby.

A Week Ago Today...

A week ago today I was none the wiser. I was in agony, not knowing if CS would talk to me again or not, but at least I didn't know how indifferent he was about me. It's hard to look back on the last 4 months and not think where did i go wrong? It's hard to think that I thought we were a great match in so many ways, and yet, he didn't?

Today my friend JB and I talked. We hadn't talked at all since NYE, and she didn't know what had happened with CS and I. She made a comment about how she hoped it would work out since she liked CS and she thought we were a good match in a lot of ways. This made me sad. Not because I thought she was wrong, but because I feel like if this doesn't work out then I may never find another man like him.

I am depressed. I didn't walk around the lake today with DL, and I made bad food choices for dinner. I find myself sitting here watching TV alone, wondering if CS is doing something fun, and does he miss me?

I know that I miss him.